My Darkness

It's remained coiled within me for many years, only daring to show its head when times were rough and all seemed lost. It's a part of me I can never escape and personally, I don't want it to ever go away.

Much like how a TV viewer can watch events on the television and have no emotional connection to what plays out before them, it allows me to watch everyone around me with a detached nature. I can watch them from afar, never involving myself beyond emotionless words of comfort.

If only they knew what lurked behind my vacant eyes.

I am not the person I used to be. Perhaps I have never been the person I was trying to be. Whatever I am and whatever it is I have finally become, I am certain that if anyone truly knew of what went thru my head, I would probably be locked away.

There's a comfort in this strange and frightening world I created so many years ago. It has become just as much a part of me as I am a part of it. Away from those around me, away from everything that causes me pain. In my world, everything is as it should be. I am numb and unfeeling to those around me and that is fine. When my marriage was falling apart and forces beyond my control wanted my daughter, it brought me solace. It enabled me to finally view everything around me in a different light. It allowed me to finally realize that I felt nothing towards my husband and face the realization that I was capable of lethal harm to anyone who dared to try and take my child.

Here it is, now two years since the last time I felt my world's seductive pull. I can feel it lurking in my mind, interrupting my thoughts with images of things that have not happened. Flashes of faces that only I know. Sometimes I can channel it into a short story, something no one will ever see. I've dealt with my share of people who have told me that my stories were stupid, disturbing, etc. I haven't shown anyone my stress induced writings for years. It would only solidify the conclusion that something was and is very wrong with me.