I am a first mom. I am 29 (30 in Sept!), and I have a four and a half year old daughter I am raising, and a one year old daughter whom I relinquished at birth June of last year. Over the course of this year, there have been many emotions. Not too sure where my feelings stand too much anymore. When I had first relinquished, I had made a thoroughly educated decision and understood the legalities of it. Even when I had left the hospital empty handed, I thought I was ok with it.
It's been a year and I don't think I am all that ok with it anymore.
I had strongly felt that I was not emotionally prepared to handle an infant again. My parents supported whatever decision I would make, but my dad would throw in the occasional remark "How do you plan to handle two kids when you can barely handle one?" Yes, my older daughter was and is still a handful. Yes, I have and still do lose my patience with her.
But I still miss my baby.
Perhaps this is for the best because there is still a lot going on in my life that would not be good for a baby to be in the middle of. My older daughter craves my attention so badly that she acts out to get whatever attention she can get. I work weird, sometimes long hours. My older daughter and I are lucky if we can spend even a few hours together. What awaited my baby was daycare for ten, eleven hours a day (or my grandmother while the older daughter went into daycare). I know that situations are temporary, but what is the definition of temporary? Few months? A year? Would it have been fair for my children to hardly have a mother for the next several years? These are the thoughts that events that made me think adoption might be best.
As a pregnancy, she was unwanted. A final blow to a collapsing marriage. Abortion only out of the question because of lack of access. I was a tad past the first trimester by the time I could have access to a clinic, but I was too far long by my own code of ethics. And by the time, I saw the first ultrasound, I did want her, but I was terrified about the prospect of an infant again. And then came my dad's comment "how can you handle two.....".
Looking back, I want to kick myself for being so scared.
The situation has not improved much. Still living with parents. Dad still grumpy (I cannot imagine what it would have been like with a baby crying thru the night when he had to get up at 4 am to go to work). But I have realized that I was emotionally ready and would have been all along, it was my situation entirely. It was the pseudo support from my family. They were telling me they would support whatever I do, but I also knew them well enough that the situation would have gotten much worse had my baby stayed with me. I made too much for help from public assistance and yet not enough to support 3 people, two of which would be growing. Medical is not a problem, but I did not qualify for food stamps and couldn't even qualify for moving assistance to get into my own place. I work my tail off, pay my parents half my income in rent(at their request), supply my own groceries, buy clothes for my growing daughter who wears thru jeans like nobody's business(and has gone thru three pairs of shoes in the past six months)....and am basically flat broke. I wouldn't have stood a chance trying to support two children.
Maybe I am still trying to justify it.
In spite of knowing that my whole situation would not have been a healthy environment to add a baby to, I miss her terribly. I want nothing more than to hold her. To have had her grow besides me and not various moments in her life captured on film. She has a big sister who so desperately wanted a baby sister. She was so excited about being a big sissy! The look on her face when I explained what was going to happen to sissy. I will never forget that look. It was pure anquish.
I'm rambling.
In the beginning, I was ok with it. Now, after reflecting on everything, I have determined that as much as I want her, she is better where she is.
And it hurts like hell to say that.
Test
10 years ago
