My Darkness

It's remained coiled within me for many years, only daring to show its head when times were rough and all seemed lost. It's a part of me I can never escape and personally, I don't want it to ever go away.

Much like how a TV viewer can watch events on the television and have no emotional connection to what plays out before them, it allows me to watch everyone around me with a detached nature. I can watch them from afar, never involving myself beyond emotionless words of comfort.

If only they knew what lurked behind my vacant eyes.

I am not the person I used to be. Perhaps I have never been the person I was trying to be. Whatever I am and whatever it is I have finally become, I am certain that if anyone truly knew of what went thru my head, I would probably be locked away.

There's a comfort in this strange and frightening world I created so many years ago. It has become just as much a part of me as I am a part of it. Away from those around me, away from everything that causes me pain. In my world, everything is as it should be. I am numb and unfeeling to those around me and that is fine. When my marriage was falling apart and forces beyond my control wanted my daughter, it brought me solace. It enabled me to finally view everything around me in a different light. It allowed me to finally realize that I felt nothing towards my husband and face the realization that I was capable of lethal harm to anyone who dared to try and take my child.

Here it is, now two years since the last time I felt my world's seductive pull. I can feel it lurking in my mind, interrupting my thoughts with images of things that have not happened. Flashes of faces that only I know. Sometimes I can channel it into a short story, something no one will ever see. I've dealt with my share of people who have told me that my stories were stupid, disturbing, etc. I haven't shown anyone my stress induced writings for years. It would only solidify the conclusion that something was and is very wrong with me.

Hurt

I hurt today.

I've been hurting for many months. I got a letter from Zoe's adopters about a month after her birthday. Started off good. Lots of neat tidbits about her development. But by page 2, it went on a different tangent.

"Her only siblings will be any further children we adopt..."
WTF? How dare they sit there and tell me that Michelle and her are not sisters. They ARE sisters, regardless of whatever delusion they are under.

"No more gifts, it will confuse her..."
And how exactly is it going to be confusing? I know many first moms and adoptive parents who have excellent relationships with one another....they even get to visit one another! And my sending her gifts would be confusing?

"We appreciate the situation with you and Michelle..."
Appreciate the situation? Nice try, really. But they don't know squat. They didn't have the little one excited about being a big sissy. They didn't laugh as big sissy put her head on their swollen tummy so baby sissy could kick her in the head. They didn't have to see the look on her face when she was told that baby sissy was going to live with a different mommy and daddy. They didn't have to hold her as she screamed and cried about how we needed to go and get her sissy back. Appreciate, huh?

I've been wondering how to respond that that letter. I want them to know that I do not share their views in regards to my girls. They will always be sisters, regardless of what the legalities say. They are not biological strangers. They are not just two random kids. They are sisters!

That letter was patronizing and condescending.

They do not plan to even tell her about me or her sister until she is 18. I plan to beat them to it. I managed to get their address and I got their last name. On her 18th birthday, she will get a letter in the mail without a return address. It will be letters from me and her big sister, telling her who we are and how much we miss her and love her and how we never forgot her or stopped loving her. It will include pictures of us and her first family. Regardless of what they want to believe, the truth will come out.